Archives for category: Humor

A friend sharedthis article about Kamala Harris that shows her at ease. The first video is hilarious. She is at the 92nd Street Y, an institution of Jewish culture in Manhattan, which has a great lecture series. She tells a story about her first meeting with her Jewish mother-in-law that is priceless.

Another video in the article shows her cooking at home with her husband. She has a great laugh. She is interesting. She will bring dynamism to the campaign and fresh ideas.

And here is Kamala cooking Indian food. Watch her deftly cut an onion.

I’m struck by how comfortable she is in front of a camera, how heartily she laughs. She is charismatic. Trump has already attacked her as “radical left,” which is funny since he twice donated to her campaigns. Overnight he attacked the Biden-Harris ticket as racist. I wish I could have seen her laugh when she heard that.

I’m thrilled that Joe Biden picked Senator Harris as his running mate. She is a great addition to the ticket.

Can’t wait to see her debate Mike Pence, that is, if Mother (Pence’s wife) allows him to share the stage with a woman. Harris was a member of the debate team when she was a student at Howard University.

Retired teacher Glen Brown has written his own poetic addendum to a book by Robert Sears called “The Beautiful Poetry of Donald Trump.”

I was not aware of Sears’ collection and organizing of Trumpian verbiage into blank verse. Searching for the poetry of Trump by Sears on Amazon, I discovered that he also wrote a book titled: “Vladimir Putin: Life Coach.”

Here are one of Glen Brown’s Trump poems:


“I’m One of the Smartest People in the World” by Donald J. Trump

“Look, having nuclear —
my uncle was a great professor
and scientist and engineer,
Dr. John Trump at MIT;
good genes, very good genes,
okay, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance,
very good, very smart —
you know, if you’re a conservative Republican,
if I were a liberal, if, like, okay,
if I ran as a liberal Democrat,
they would say I’m one of the smartest people
anywhere in the world —
it’s true! — but when you’re a conservative Republican
they try — oh, do they do a number —
that’s why I always start off:
Went to Wharton, was a good student,
went there, went there, did this, built a fortune —
you know I have to give my like credentials
all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged —
but you look at the nuclear deal,
the thing that really bothers me —
it would have been so easy,
and it’s not as important as these lives are
nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me
many, many years ago,
the power and that was 35 years ago;
he would explain the power
of what’s going to happen
and he was right —
who would have thought?
but when you look at what’s going on
with the four prisoners —
now it used to be three, now it’s four —
but when it was three and even now,
I would have said it’s all in the messenger;
fellas, and it is fellas because, you know,
they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women
are smarter right now than the men,
so, you know, it’s gonna take them
about another 150 years —
but the Persians are great negotiators,
the Iranians are great negotiators,
so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us.”

Since the pandemic began, public health experts have told us to wear a mask when interacting with others, keep a social distance from others, avoid crowds, and wash your hands frequently. The purpose is to protect yourself and others and to stop the spread of the disease.

The evidence shows that it works. New York City and New York State went from worst in infections, hospitalizations, and deaths, then adopted and enforced stringent rules, and flattened the curve. Other nations had explosive outbreaks—think Spain and Italy—established strict rules and flattened the curve.

The U.S. went the other way and infections are rising. Some people resist wearing a mask, claiming it infringes on their personal rights.

Steve Nelson (borrowing his rhyme pattern from Dr. Seuss) wrote this poem about those who refuse to protect themselves and others:


School choice as a civil rights matter is oddly analogous to “not wearing a mask” as a civil rights issue. Selfishness over collective responsibility. With apologies to Damn Poet:

I will not wear a stupid mask.
I will not wear one – please don’t ask.

I do not like them day or night,
I will not wear one – that’s my right.
I do not like them loose or tight,
I will not wear one, I’ll stand and fight.

I will not wear one in the park,
I will not wear one in the dark,
I will not wear one on a lark,

I will not wear a stupid mask,
I will not wear one, please don’t ask.

I do not care if you’re displeased
I do not care if you’re diseased.
I do not care who coughed or sneezed,
I will not have my freedom seized.

I will not wear a stupid mask,
I will not wear one, please don’t ask.

I will not wear one in the store,
I will not wear one out the door,
I will not wear one, you’re a bore,
I will not listen anymore.
I will not wear a stupid mask,
I will not wear one, please don’t ask.

I will not wear one day or night,
I will not wear one loose or tight,
I will not wear one in the park,
I will not wear one in the dark,
I will not wear one on a lark,
I will not wear one in the store,
I will not wear one out the door.
I will not wear one, evermore.

I will not wear a stupid mask,
I will not wear one, please don’t ask.

Actually Dr. Seuss would want you to wear one!

I guess I really should be masked,
On second thought, I’m glad you asked
.

Governor Brian Kemp of Georgia has boldly asserted his claim to be the dumbest governor in the nation. This makes Florida Governor Ron DeSantis very unhappy, as he claims that title.

Kemp suspended all local laws and orders that mandate mask-wearing as the number of coronavirus cases rise in Georgia. He “encouraged” people to wear masks, but no mandates permitted.

Bob Shepherd explains why Florida is miffed:

 

FROM: the law offices of A. Wayne Kerr, Esq.

TO: The State of Georgia

OK. We here in Flor-uh-duh are not happy. We’ve spent years, literally, building our reputation as the dumbest state in the union. We’ve built rope swings over pits of alligators. We’ve worn “Seriously, I have drugs” T-shirts when we were carrying drugs. We’ve organized people to shoot down hurricanes. We’ve claimed in court that we weren’t drinking and driving because we only swigged alcohol at stop signs. We’ve committed criminal assault with fried chicken. We’ve passed resolutions banning Satan from our towns. We’ve committed armed robbery with transparent bags on our heads. We’ve elected Ron DeSantis our governor. We’ve passed stand your ground laws. We’ve driven on highways with a “Car in Toe” sign in the back window. And we’ve issued an order to open all our schools to full in-person instruction on the very day that we set a national record for new cases of Covid-19.

In short, we have worked extremely hard to build the brand of Flor-uh-duh Man. Now, the state of Georgia thinks it can capriciously encroach on our brand by rescinding its order to wear masks in public during the pandemic. This cannot stand. Please cease and desist from further stupid.

Thank you.

Andy Borowitz is a humorist for the New Yorker magazine. He writes a joke almost every day.

Today, he tells us, Governor Kemp of Georgia has banned science. (Unreal life, Kemp told localities that they could not mandate face masks to protect people from COVID-19).

He writes:

ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest response to the coronavirus pandemic, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, has issued a sweeping statewide ban on science.

“Over the past few weeks, scientific information has been spreading throughout the state of Georgia like wildfire,” Kemp said. “We need to flatten the truth curve.”

Under the executive order, Georgians can be fined as much as five hundred dollars for visiting Web sites containing evidence-based information.

Additionally, Kemp is issuing a stay-at-home order for all Georgians planning a trip to a library or bookstore.

Bob Shepherd reacted to the U.S. Supreme Court decision to overturn state laws banning public money to religious schools if the state is subsidizing other private schools. Bob lives in Florida, which already funds private and religious schools to the tune of $1 billion a year and has just increased the funding for them. Religious schools in Florida do not take the state tests, do not have to hire certified teachers or principals, and are not accountable to the state in any way:

Post-Espinoza Business Plan 1 (We Put the Duh in Flor-uh-duh):

Come on down to our “Race to the Top of Mount Zion Enrollment Jubilee” in the old K-Mart parking lot this Saturday and sign yore kids up for Bob Shepherd’s Real Good Floruhduh School. You can use yore Florida State Scholarships to pay for it, and so its absolutely FREE!!!! No longer due you havta send yore children to them gobbermint schools run by Socialists whar they will be taut to be transgendered! We offer compleet curriculems, wrote by Bob’s girlfriend Darlene herself, including

World HIStory (from Creation to Babylon to the Rapshure)
Political Science (We thank you, Lord, for Donald Trump; the Second Amendmint; and protecting our Borders from invading hoardes of rapists and murderers)
English (the offishul langwidge of the United States, and the langwidge the Bible was wrote in)
Science (the six days of creation; how to make yore own buckshot; and how Cain and Abel survived among the dinosaurs)
Economics (when rich people get tax brakes, that makes you richer)

And much, much more!!! Plus, you don’t havta worry yore hed about safety, cause all are teachers is locked and loaded!

Bob’s Real Good Florurduh Skool, located across from Bob’s Gun and Pawn right next to Wild Wuornos’s Adult Novelties.

It’s been real good runnin’ this here skool. Free innerprize! So much better then tryin to live on Darlene’s disability! Make America Grate Agin!

Post-Espinoza Business Plan 1 (Akashic Kakistonics, or Opening Heaven’s Gate to Every Child):

Tired of those failing public schools? Want to send your child a true Akashic Academy where he/she/they can receive nourishment for the mind AND the soul?

Then enroll him/her/them in Enlightened Master Bob’s AYAHUASCA SCHOOL FOR LITTLE COSMIC VOYAGERS.

Here at Enlightened Master Bob’s, your child will learn how he or she can skip breakfast, lunch, and dinner and draw nourishment directly from Father Sun in our Solar Temple.

We offer complete holistic health training, using our proprietary textbooks on the Ethereal Body, including uncapping and aligning children’s Chakras so they can download DIRECTLY from the Mother Ship the Cosmic Light necessary for the coming Transformation from Earth-bound Homo Sapiens to Interdimensional Beings.

In our history classes, students will learn all about Atlantis, Lemuria, Camelot and Glastonbury, the Black Rock Desert, and other places of Places of Power throughout the Ages.

Students will also learn how to protect themselves against the forces of the Evil Galactic Emperor Xenu and his band of sometimes invisible, shape-shifting reptilian aliens from Alpha Draconis.

But don’t delay! Soon, as our galaxy moves into proximity to the Pleiades, the vibrational tone of the entire planet will rise to such a pitch that we will either undergo Ascension or explode, and everything—the FATE OF THE PLANET– depends on how many young Lightworkers we can bring into Alignment and Cosmic Consciousness before then!

Of course, all this is absolutely FREE because you can use your State Scholarship Voucher to pay for it.

And best yet, all classes are taught by the Spiritual Wives of Enlightened Master Bob himself!!!!

The BBC airs a comedy show where nothing is off limits.

This one made me laugh out loud.

I hope you are not offended. It turns popular prejudices inside out.

I saw this a long while ago and thought it was wonderful social satire.

It reminded me just a little of myself after my college graduation in 1960, when women’s voices were devalued. That was before the feminist movement. I married right after I graduated college and aspired to be the perfect wife. I wasn’t very good at it but it took a long time to figure that out. I identified with the woman in this video.

It is funny. You deserve a laugh today.

Alexandra Petri is the brilliant satirist for The Washington Post. She wrote this column, titled: “The Greeks Are Gone from Troy, for Sure,” by Mike Pence.


“In recent days, the media has taken to sounding the alarm bells over a ‘second wave’ of coronavirus infections. Such panic is overblown. Thanks to the leadership of President Trump and the courage and compassion of the American people, our public health system is far stronger than it was four months ago, and we are winning the fight against the invisible enemy.”

— Vice President Pence in “There Isn’t a Coronavirus ‘Second Wave,’” Wall Street Journal

In recent days, Cassandra has taken to sounding the alarm bells over a “second wave” of Greek attack that will soon come sweeping over us like the wrath of Poseidon and leave our city in ruins. Such panic is overblown. (Although, technically, “panic” is fear induced by the god Pan, so really this is not even panic at all. But whatever it is, it is overblown.)

Thanks to the leadership of King Priam and the courage and compassion of the Trojan people, our walled city is far stronger and even less pregnable than it was nine years ago, and we have won the fight against the Greeks. And if you doubt that, just look at this enormous and beautifully constructed wooden horse they have left for us, which is definitely not hollow and will absolutely not be filled with handpicked soldiers ready to pour out and devastate our city.

The Laocoöns and Cassandras are full of negativity about this horse. At least, I think that was what Laocoön was saying before he was seized mid-sentence and crushed to death by sea serpents, along with his two sons! Probably a sign that what he was saying was not important. And when has Cassandra ever been right about anything?

The point is: The war has been a great success. And I can’t think of anyone better to have led us through it than King Priam. Yes, we have had losses, but ultimately we were victorious. That is what this horse means. We should seize it and be grateful.

Looking back, everything the king did was good. It was good, actually, that he put his sons in charge of everything, Hector, Paris — even Deiphobus. Hector was — how do I put this? — godlike. And so good at taming horses. We all miss him. And we even miss Paris, who actually turned out to be kind of helpful and, seemingly by random chance, managed to kill Achilles! I would think that shooting someone in the heel with an arrow would actually be a sign that you were just hitting body parts at random and not very good at what you were doing. But no, it was brilliant strategy! Which is what we have had throughout. And Deiphobus is here, too!

When King Priam asked me to chair our Get the Greeks to Leave and Destroy Their Champion Achilles Task Force nine years ago (Hector was busy), he directed us to pursue not only a Whole-of-the-House-of-Priam approach but a Whole-of-Troy approach. And now that the Greeks have left, spontaneously, I think, I can look back on that task force and see everything we did as a success. It must have been the partnerships I forged, or perhaps it was the weapons I forged. Maybe it was our alliance with the warlike Amazons, a match for men that put us over the top. (Jeff Bezos, the founder and chief executive of Amazon, owns The Washington Post.)

We’ve also made great progress on developing a device that will keep the Greeks out of here forever. Operation Wind-Swift-Footed Iris is aiming to have a technology that will shroud our city in something even better than Apollo’s protection — though what, really, could be better than that? I hope this wasn’t blasphemy.
I know we have asked the Trojan people to make sacrifices, like not leaving this walled city because there were Greeks outside, something that, amazingly, a few people were unwilling to do but most of you have been great about. But the time for sacrifices is over, except in the sense that we need to make a literal sacrifice to thank the gods for their protection.

Now is the time to bring in the horse and commemorate this achievement. We have defeated this visible enemy, which was also sometimes invisible because the gods are tricky.

Look, we can test the horse, if you like, but I think testing just makes it more likely you will find out information that makes you unhappy, and that is the last thing we need in our moment of triumph. But sure, have Helen walk around the horse calling out in the voices of the Greeks’ loved ones, just in case! Knock yourself out! I am sure the worst is over.

This is a time of celebration, and I think we can all sleep soundly in our beds. And I, for one, will sleep better once we get that horse inside. Congratulations, people of Troy.

Christine Baranski, the gifted actress who has appeared in many films (including “Mama Mia”), reads a very, very funny short story by Thomas Mehran before a live audience In New York City B.P. (BeforePandemic). I almost cried with laughter. Enjoy!

Thomas Mehan’s utterly hilarious short story “Yma Dream” is one of our perennial favorites to listen to–especially in the hands of the incredible Christine Baranski. Tune in to join this absurd dinner party of Mehan’s imagination and try to keep up with Baranski’s masterful delivery.