Archives for category: Humor

 

 

Saturday Night Live opened last night with a segment about Donald Trump’s tweeting. Donald Trump tweeted that SNL was awful. Sad!

 

Watch. It is funny.

I heard from Michael T. Desing, who is a high school teacher of ELA. When he wrote, he told me he was preparing a portfolio for submission to the National Board for Teacher Certification. But in the meanwhile, he said, he decided he needed to express himself by publishing a daily comic strip showing life from a teacher’s point of view.

Please take a look at his work and enjoy.

teachingted.com

PS: Michael, sorry it took so long to respond!

Fred Smith, Assessment expert and occasional humorist, invites you to write your own logo for a T-shirt for the Inauguration.

 

Here are his ideas:

 

“Trying to keep it light. My idea would be to design and sell tee-shirts prior to the inauguration.

 

A lox-colored shirt with the Donald’s other worldly visage above the words: “I’m wearing salmon for Mammon.”

 

A shirt that simply says “You’re Hired!!!” with a photo of Trump and Giuliani shaking hands.

 

A tipsy-looking Kellyanne Conway in a red bare-shouldered gown declaring: “You’re just sore ’cause he didn’t grab you!”

 

Trump pictured alongside Xi Jinping tweeting about how much he respects General Tso.

 

Do you think there’s a market for this? Please add to the collection.”

 

Garrison Keillor is in fine form as he asks whether God intended for Trump to be elected president. He seems to have been inspired by some of the mail landing in his mailbox or email..

 

So many Trumpists have written in since the election, and I am grateful for their interest and also impressed by the sheer variety of their profanity. I never learned to swear that well because by the time my mother died, at 97, it was too late for me to learn. I gather from the letters that these people’s lives were devastated by the advent of gay marriage, political correctness, the threat of gun control and the arrogance of liberals, and now a champion rises from Manhattan’s Fifth Avenue and East 56th Street, and God forbid that any dog should bark when he speaks or any pigeon drop white matter on his limousine.

 

What the letter-writers don’t grasp is that cursing is highly effective in person — someone kicks his car in rage, forgetting he’s wearing flip-flops, and flames pour from his mouth, and it’s impressive. But you see it in print, and it’s just ugly. It makes you pity the writer’s wife.

 

It’s not good form to curse at someone you’ve just defeated. That is why the president-elect made it clear he would not be waterboarding Hillary Clinton or sending her back to Mexico. He was gracious in victory and said the Clintons are “good people.” Several of his biggest applause lines seem to have been put back in the box. And his base is faced with the possibility that they may have elected a Manchurian. They know that he was a Democrat for most of his life and that the sight of Adam and Steve holding hands does not fill him with loathing. He is, after all, a New Yorker; he’s not from Tulsa. He likes drama. Maybe he’ll appoint his sister to the Supreme Court. Maybe he would rather row than wade. Maybe the Republicans will privatize the Pentagon, and maybe the Chinese will be the low bidder. Why not run the Marines like a business? Put the “deal” back into “idealism.”

 

 

Humor!

 

Andy  Borowitz writes that President-elect Trump will nominate El Chapo, the Mexican drug kingpin, to run the DEA. He has vast experience about drugs and how they are bought and sold and transported.

Our Secretary-of-Education designate Betsy DeVos is the beneficiary of a great multi-level marketing program called Amway.

 

John Oliver explains here how those programs work. It is not pretty.

This is a very funny scoring rubric that incorporates the skills that separate winners and losers, starting January 20. It says it applies to grading college essays, but it would work well in the school grades as well.

It does not reflect the Common Core.

The Washington Post hired a humorist, and just in time. Alexandra Petri has a wicked sense of humor, and some of it may be taken literally when it is satire. You may recall her hilarious article about the “diabolical truth” about Hillary Clinton, which some people took as fact, not satire.

The National Review, the conservative house organ, wrote that Steve Brannon is not a Nazi, but he does have some unfortunate baggage.

Alexandra Petri writes in defense of Steve Bannon, who has been loudly criticized as leader of the alt-right. As editor of Breitbart News, he published articles that were anti-Semitic, racist, and other kinds of “-ist.” He is now President-elect Trump’s chief strategist. This is the same guy who has been quoted saying that he is a “Leninist” and wants to bring down “the system.”

But, writes Petri in his defense, he literally is not Joseph Goebbels.

“Listen, what proof do you have that this dead lizard wrapped in the Confederate flag will not make an excellent chief strategist and senior counselor to the president of the United States?

“I, for one, believe that everyone deserves a chance.

“You’re not wrong that this appears to be a pig’s head slowly rotting on a stake, grotesque insinuations pouring from its mouth as flies buzz around it in the island heat, but I would need to learn more about it, honestly. I’m no expert.”

You say that this man just painted a swastika on a church but — couldn’t it be a plus sign? We don’t know. Some people are better at drawing plus signs than others. I wouldn’t read anything into it. Maybe he just loves churches.”

Alexandra Petri will have a lot to work with these next four years.

Garrison Keillor wrote about his reactions to the election. As always, what he has to say is insightful, poignant, and funny.

Here is a soupçon:

“So he won. The nation takes a deep breath. Raw ego and proud illiteracy have won out and a severely learning-disabled man with a real character problem will be president. We are so exhausted from thinking about this election, millions of people will take up leaf-raking and garage cleaning with intense pleasure. We liberal elitists are wrecks. The Trumpers had a whale of a good time, waving their signs, jeering at the media, beating up protesters, chanting “Lock her up” — we elitists just stood and clapped. Nobody chanted “Stronger Together.” It just doesn’t chant.

“The Trumpers never expected their guy to actually win the thing, and that’s their problem now. They only wanted to whoop and yell, boo at the H-word, wear profane T-shirts, maybe grab a crotch or two, jump in the RV with a couple six-packs and go out and shoot some spotted owls. It was pleasure enough for them just to know that they were driving us wild with dismay — by “us,” I mean librarians, children’s authors, yoga practitioners, Unitarians, birdwatchers, people who make their own pasta, opera goers, the grammar police, people who keep books on their shelves, that bunch. The Trumpers exulted in knowing we were tearing our hair out. They had our number, like a bratty kid who knows exactly how to make you grit your teeth and froth at the mouth.

“Alas for the Trump voters, the disasters he will bring on this country will fall more heavily on them than anyone else. The uneducated white males who elected him are the vulnerable ones and they will not like what happens next….

“We liberal elitists are now completely in the clear. The government is in Republican hands. Let them deal with him. Democrats can spend four years raising heirloom tomatoes, meditating, reading Jane Austen, traveling around the country, tasting artisan beers, and let the Republicans build the wall and carry on the trade war with China and deport the undocumented and deal with opioids and we Democrats can go for a long brisk walk and smell the roses….

“Back to real life. I went up to my hometown the other day and ran into my gym teacher, Stan Nelson, looking good at 96. He commanded a landing craft at Normandy on June 6, 1944, and never said a word about it back then, just made us do chin-ups whether we wanted to or not. I saw my biology teacher Lyle Bradley, a Marine pilot in the Korean War, still going birdwatching in his 90s. I was not a good student then, but I am studying both of them now. They have seen it all and are still optimistic. The past year of politics has taught us absolutely nothing. Zilch. Zero. Nada. The future is scary. Let the uneducated have their day. I am now going to pay more attention to teachers.”

One of the great all-time Broadway shows was Mel Brooks’ “The Producers,” starring Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane (based on the movie with Zero Mostel). The two men were failed producers who came up with a brilliant idea: raise lots of money to produce a really terrible play, which would quickly close as a flop. They would raise money by promising investors a large share of the ownership, totaling more than 100%. They would keep the money as soon as the play closed and get rich.

The play they picked was a musical called “Springtime for Hitler,” a concept so ludicrous that Bialystock and Bloom were sure it would close after the first performance. But audiences thought it was a parody, and they loved it. To the producers’ shock, their terrible play was a huge hit.

In this spoof recreated by Broderick and Lane, they are now political consultants trying to find the worst political candidate for President and raise millions that they could pocket after he flopped.

I promise you: This is hilarious!

It’s only flaw is that it can’t compete with real life, which is beyond parody!