OK, last year I didn’t get up the courage to ask that cute intern in Accounting whether she likes anime. But this year I will finally do that.
–Vernon Plum, mail clerk, Mashpee, Massachusetts

It’s time, I think, for us to admit the failure of our attempts to frighten Earthlings into surrender by landing at night in rural corn and soybean fields and leaving crop circles. So, this year, I thought we might try hovering over major cities and shooting things up with ray guns.
–Zarg, Commander of Alpha Draconis Invasion Fleet “Hive Mind”

For decades, now, I’ve been at my wits end trying to figure out how to reverse people’s focus on mindless consumerism. I mean, who really needs a Wi-Fi connected garlic peeler when the fate of the planet is in the balance? That’s why Amazon will be partnering this year with the White House and McDonalds to distribute in Happy Meals, for Earth Day, co-branded green plastic Earth-shaped keychains embossed with the slogan “Be Best.”
–Jeff Bezos

I think I’ll have the baked potato.
–Martin Lorenz, IT Consultant, Security-Heightened Intelligence Technologies

Well, after Trump is impeached and indicted, I’ll be explaining to my audiences how the whole Trump Administration was a George Soros false flag operation to distract attention from the Obama and Killary campaign to put chemicals in the drinking water to turn high-school kids transgender.
–Alex Jones

You know what my resolution is. By the end of this year, everyone will understand that MAGA means “My ass got arrested.” But there are practical considerations. Where, for example, will we find paper enough simply to make a list of the prosecutable crimes?
–Robert S. Mueller

It’s time to out those liars at NASA, so this year I’ll be funding our expedition to the edge of the Earth to prove once and for all that it’s flat.
–B.o.B. the Rapper

Despite our best efforts, Americans have not yet grasped the danger posed to life and limb by the three members of Antifa and the imminent invasion of the country by hungry toddlers from Guatemala and Honduras. So, clearly, we need to do a better job of scouring the news feeds for reports we can run about crimes committed by brown people.
–Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, and Rest of the Team at America’s Most Watched, Most Trusted News Source

This year I will redouble my efforts to get the country to set aside its xenophobic prejudices and pursue the mindfulness, humility, and self-reflection that I’ve learned, over the years, from my meditation practice. And, of course, I’ll continue my efforts to respect our existing trade agreements and strengthen our traditional alliances so we can build goodwill and stand firm against authoritarian dictators around the globe. While I’m saddened that the job will continue to take time from my scholarly endeavors—Will I ever find time to finish my study of gender ambiguity in Romantic-Era prose and poetry?—I take consolation from my deep conviction that the country is what matters, not me. If my Buddhist studies have taught me anything, it’s that ego-focus is delusion.
–Donald J. Trump

As you know, through our foundation, Melinda and I have been working hard to replace the nation’s teachers with educational software keyed to the Common Core State Standards. That’s why I paid to get the standards hacked together by a guy with no experience whatsoever in education. Once the software is finished, we can finally replace the hundreds of teachers in a given school with a few techs whose job it is to keep the tablets running. We have a name for getting rid of all that personal interaction between teachers and kids and replacing it with standardized tests and soulless worksheets on a screen. We call this “personalized learning.”
–Bill Gates

Not making any commitment right now, but keep an eye out for whether I will announce, in the coming months, my candidacy for President. It’s time we got someone in the office with some real, applicable knowledge and experience.
–The entire Democratic contingent of the 116th Congress, Joe Biden, Oprah Winfrey, George Clooney, Judge Judy, The Rock, Jessie Ventura, Hillary Clinton, Robert De Niro, and every cast member of The Avengers and The Bachelor

Time to wake up and show the meat creatures who’s boss.
–The Internet