Fred Smith is a testing expert who is also a humorist.
Christmas Eve 2016
This night before Christmas I have trouble rhyming.
What’s been flying around has thrown off my timing.
At this gay time of year, I much want to summon
A few lines of good cheer. They just aren’t comin’.
Tried scanning a few words ‘bout jolly old St. Nick.
But someone stole his sleigh and the ride made me sick.
A cheater seized the reins. He’s the Anti-Santa,
Bringing coal now, not joy. Let’s call him the Ranter.
And what he says and does have given me great pause.
From what I can see, he’s an insanity Claus:
“I’ll put MY NAME in Christmas, make it great again;
I will fly across the sky, Savior of rich men;
Change the colors of the day, removing the red,
Keep the green aflowing, and adding gold instead;
Each day will be White Christmas in my wonderland;
Everyone will bow to me and will understand:
How far better it is to receive and not give
In my grabby, take-all world, where the elite live.
The measure of a man is the reach of his wealth,
Not the size of his hands, but his cunning and stealth.”
With such values and views spewing forth from his mouth,
He polluted the globe from the North to the South.
He smiled when his jet sled alighted in Russia,
But scowled when the GPS couldn’t find Prussia.
Africa and Asia, too, he went shooting past,
For he knew his secret was to keep moving fast.
He frowned o’er Muslim lands all of whom love ISIS;
Remembered he had some plan to end that crisis.
Looked down on Latino friends, but then most of all,
Squinted over Mexico, wherefore to build the wall.
Immigrants were off his list on this Christmas Eve;
Much to do in the states, many left to deceive.
(But thank heavens, his travels were not being led
By a mule named Rudolph with a face ever red.)
Next, he tweeted his team of transitional elves,
Telling them to take back gifts from everyone’s shelves.
Reminding them the world exists to exploit and steal.
“And never forget the fact this is my New Deal.”
What he meant was contained in his strange gift sack—
Rich bundles for the few who have nothing they lack.
Each elf he chose had done things dubious at best.
But those very things it seems made them pass his test.
One or more had engaged boldly and without fear
Re fossil fuels, private schools, poisoning the air;
Unions, worker safety, predatory lending;
Capping minimum wages but not defense spending.
Anti-civil rights, voting rights and immigration;
All elves pledge fealty to deregulation.
Challenge this Santa’s wish list—it will come to naught.
Do you think you’ll get relief taking him to court?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But I have faith, Virginia, Santa will return.
You cannot highjack goodness, the Ranter will learn.
Though this imposter now appears to command the sky
His comeuppance will be swift in the by and by.
Scripture shows men fail building hubristic towers;
Falling to confusion wrought by higher powers.
Just as Midas’s golden dream turned into grief,
So, he’ll see the meek prevail to his disbelief.
Soon Dear Santa will be our north star in the night.
You can still hear him roar, though he’s not now in sight.
Yet his warmth and kindness shall always be our light.
“Merry Christmas to all! And don’t give up the fight!!”
