John Merrow has written a spoof of learning loss laments and diatribes. Perfect for April 1.
He writes:
“Learning Loss” is mutating, and today an astounding 16 different and uniquely challenging manifestations have been identified. To save their students, our teachers will need to acquire a specific skill set that will enable them to identify, diagnose, and treat this dizzying array of “Learning Loss.”
Not only are there 16 varieties; there are also degrees of “Learning Loss.” Unfortunately, some so-called experts rate “Learning Loss” as First Degree, Second Degree, and Third Degree without specifying whether they are using the BURN scale or the MURDER scale. That’s confusing because, while a First Degree Burn is mild, First Degree Murder is the most extreme charge. Similarly, a Third Degree Burn is life-threatening, while Third Degree Murder is the least serious murder charge (though the victim probably doesn’t care about the distinction).
Amidst all this confusion, there is good news: Teachers can be trained to recognize and treat “Learning Loss.” This must be our nation’s first priority in the battle against “Learning Loss.” As in the fight against COVID-19, we must first inoculate schooling’s front-line workers, the teachers.
Lucky for the nation’s teachers, Dr. Merrow has a catalogue of cures for sale, at a handsome profit, of course.
Fortunately for America’s students, the educational equivalent of the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines is now available for teachers. A wonderful new video series demonstrates how to undo the damage done by “Learning Loss.” With their practical content and easy-to-follow procedures, these videos put the joy back into teaching….and enable teachers to rescue our children...
The traditional standardized test–a blunt instrument–simply cannot be trusted to pick up either “Literal Learning Loss” or the more subtle “Latent Learning Loss.” What’s needed is the specific but teachable skill of ‘Listening for Learning Loss.” With the help of this remarkable video series, a competent professional can master these techniques in a matter of days.
Full disclosure: I am the creator and host of the trademarked, patented video series, “Learning Loss Lessons.” Those who purchase it will learn about the 16 varieties of “Learning Loss” as well as two important general skills, “Labelling Learning Loss,”and “Limiting Learning Loss.”
The specific forms of “Learning Loss” covered in the series include two language arts deficits, “Literary Learning Loss” and “Lyrical Learning Loss” and four that are specific to the realm of mathematics and scientific reasoning: “Logarithmic Learning Loss,” “Logical Learning Loss,” “Linear Learning Loss,” and “Literal Learning Loss.”
My ground-breaking series also identifies subtle forms of “Learning Loss” that are related to the increasingly important realm of social and emotional skills, including “Listless (or Lethargic) Learning Loss,” “Lukewarm Learning Loss,” “Laconic Learning Loss,” “Likeable Learning Loss,” “Lapsed Learning Loss,” and (most difficult to overcome) ‘Lunchroom Learning Loss.”
You will not want to miss the list of “videos” that are available to bring teachers up to full readiness to combat the many forms of “learning loss.” They are produced by a company called BullShit.com.
This is one of John’s finest pieces. Laugh out loud kind of funny.
Not comprehensive enough. He is missing the most essential video of them all; and this one would be targeted specifically for parents:
“Combating Same-Day Learning Loss”, as in,
Parent: “So Johnny what did you learn in school today?”
Johnny: Shrugs shoulders, “I don’t know, just some stuff”
For teachers the follow-up video, “Combating 24 Hour Learning Loss”
would be helpful as well
I love John Merrow. Mic drop.
With aLL that aLLteration in one document – it could be… a mission statement for 21st Century schools, er, 21.2nd-4th Century schools
Off-topic as usual, but in case you missed it, Richard Carranza is now “chief of strategy” for an ed tech company. Presumably he pitched his experience and awesome leadership in handling “remote learning” for NYC schools.
https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/ixl-learning-names-richard-carranza-as-chief-of-strategy-and-global-development-301260898.html
Here’s an inspiring quotation from NYC’s former Chancellor. Good freaking lord.
“Education is undergoing a profound transformation where teachers are utilizing technology to close learning gaps and provide every child with the tools to build lasting knowledge,” said Richard Carranza, former Chancellor of the New York City Department of Education. “IXL has harnessed the tremendous power of innovation throughout this shift to empower teachers and build students’ learning capacity. I am thrilled to join IXL and execute our vision of bringing the wide-ranging benefits of educational technology to as many students as possible across the world.”
Sounds like a statement written by corporate PR. Glad he landed a job.
Important and relevant reading 🌍
https://www.counterpunch.org/2021/03/26/the-country-moves-forward-education-falls-back/
It is pretty funny that the murder scale is counter intuitive. But ill tell ya, an investigator didnt think so when they were charging me with it but i sure did after trial was over (:
That was after sitting in jail for six months tho…. Not funny…