Bob Shepherd, our resident polymath, essayist, humorist, and lexicographer, wrote the following rumination on Trump’s visit to Georgia last night. He was supposed to “get out the vote” for the two billionaire Republican Senators, but spent most of his talk complaining about how the Georgia state officials had cheated him, how the election was rigged against him, and airing his usual woe-is-me victim grievances:
Bob Shepherd wrote:
So, this is what I heard listening to Trump’s Toddler Rant last night in Georgia:
The Devil Went Down to Georgia, aka Bad Angels in America, a Screenplay
[“Bohemian Rhapsody,” by Queen, crescendos, then fades over voice of Announcer.]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States.
JABBA THE TRUMP: Good evening, GEEOR-JUH! So here we are. What’s this place? Dalton? Dalton, Geeorjuh. You gotta be kidding, right? What the heck am I doing here? They said to me, ‘Sir. You have to go to Dalton, Geeorjuh.”
“No way, I said.”
“But, Sir,” they said, “if you don’t go, the Republicans down there, they lose.” Pitiful, am I right? But it’s true. It’s true. Carpets, right? You make carpets here in Dalton, Geeorjuh. So, here I am. And I’m not even on the ticket. Not something I want to do, believe me. But they need me. Republicans, without me, they never win another election.
So, we love the great state of Geeorjuh. I had this guy, Jeff Sessions. Wanted to be Attorney General. He was from Geeorgia or someplace in the South. I know. Hayseeds, right? A long way from New York, I’m telling you. Terrible. Worst Attorney General ever. Worse than Barr, even. Barr couldn’t do the most simple thing I asked him. Send in the military around the country–the Army, the Air Force, the Marines. Trump’s military. Get the Communist Democrats, Antifa, the News Media. Look at them back there. The Media. What a joke, right? Just wait. Tomorrow, they’ll say, he threatened the media. Sessions. Wouldn’t fire Mueller during the fake Russia investigation. So, I said, Jeff, you’re fired. And then he tried to run for office. And he lost. Lost terribly. That’s what happens. Trump’s not behind you, you lose.
Because I’m a winner. Won this election you wouldn’t believe how much—millions and millions of votes. But they got dead people voting. Illegals. Democrats. Can you believe that? They’re allowing Democrats to vote. Crazy, believe me. 11,000 votes. That’s all I need. It’s Tuesday night. I’m well ahead. Ahead everywhere. And then at the last minute they bring in all these boxes and boxes of votes—millions of them—all Biden. By dead people and Democrats. Biden. I know. The worst. He’ll take your jobs. Your cows. He wants the country to be Venezuela. Terrible. But that’s the radical Democrat Communist agenda, folks. I was saying to Ivanka—where is Ivanka? Ivanka, come up here and say something.
IVANKA: Hello, Georgia. I’m not going to say much because Daddy would get mad and I don’t have a brain anyway, but thank you. Thank you for coming out tonight and showing that you want to draw the line in the sand. That you are going to support David Doodoo and Kelly Loofa because the president has their backs. The greatest president in the history of our country, my father, Guardian of the Galaxy, Donald J. Trump.
JABBA THE TRUMP: Thank you, Ivanka. Nice legs on her, huh? I always say, if she weren’t my daughter, I’d be dating her. So, they’re trying to steal the election. Rename your military bases where so many heroes fought and died, named after great hero slave owners and rebels against your country. Nobody knows the military like Trump. You got, what? What’s that? Fort Benning? I don’t know. Maybe they could call it Fort Trump. I’d be OK with that.
But we won. We won by a lot. They call me up and they say, Sir, I can’t believe how they’re trying to steal it from you. It’s a statistical impossibility. Biden got more votes than there were people in the whole history of the country. Cause they got these machines. Need votes? Just print them up. Millions and millions of votes. Oh, this is a vote for TRUMP? Throw that one out.
The two worst events in the history of our country. First the fake Russia investigation. Then they try to steal the election. I don’t know. Not since the Continental Army had to fight off the Communist invasion from CHAIY-nuh was it so bad. Touch and go. Touch and go. That’s how it will be for Republicans if the Supremes—I’m not very happy with them right now—don’t step up and fix this thing. You know, I flew down here on a great helicopter—Marine One—great helicopter. Not as good as the Trump helicopter. Not by a long shot. But good. Like those stealth planes. Since I rebuilt the military. Terrible. It was in terrible shape, and I rebuilt it. They got these stealth planes, they’re actually invisible. You could be standing right next to it, and they would say, what do you think of the plane? And you would say, What plane? Because you couldn’t see it. Incredible. Incredible. So, I flew down on Marine One. And it’s like touch and go. Touch and go. Like my connection to reality.
But you’ll see. We won the election. We’re still going to win. Just wait. You’ll see. Big things happening. And any Senator goes against me, like your Governor here in Georgia, I’ll be campaigning against them. I can promise you that. You’re done. Finished.
OK. Well, that’s about it. Just wait and see the next couple days. You’ll see. Going to be wild out there. Good night, Geeorgia. Now, get me the hell out of here.
[JABBA exits to music of “YMCA” by The Village People. Satan and the ghost of Roy Cohn dance onstage to the music. Crowd in MAGA hats–Moscow’s Asset Governing America–mills around aimlessly, like zombies in The Walking Dead, trying to remember what day it is, their own names, and where the exits are located.]
Bob, This is HYSTERICAL. Thanks for the laugh.
I never realized what those letters meant: MAGA hats–Moscow’s Asset Governing America…
;>}
Right? That’s the one to remember.
SDP, there is a poem here. Greg, maybe you can set it to appropriate music.
This is the only song I can think of that’s appropriate and comes to mind immediately, I’ll see if I can rattle my brain for another (I also thought of the Horst Wessel Lied, but that’s too painful):
🙂
Played this for my son the other day.
LOL
The Devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin’ for an election to steal
He was in a bind ’cause he was way behind
And he was willin’ to make a deal
LMAO! Perfect, SomeDAM!
SDP, got another stanza to add today?
Charlie Daniels already said it all.
I only had to change one word.
I wonder how many people know who the Johnny is in Daniels’ song?
You nailed the banter. My goodness…just wonderful
Looks like the only surviving Republican President will be attending Biden’s inauguration. “Though we have political differences, I know Joe Biden to be a good man, who has won his opportunity to lead and unify our country,” Bush said. “The President-elect reiterated that while he ran as a Democrat, he will govern for all Americans. I offered him the same thing I offered Presidents Trump and Obama: my prayers for his success, and my pledge to help in any way I can.”
My personal opinion if Trump is not man enough to show up, and goes to Scotland?
‘You won’t have a name when you ride the big airplane
All they will call you will be deportee’.
FUN FACT OF THE DAY: No, Trump didn’t continually use the made-up word “bigly.” This was Trump saying “big league” with his toddler-man version of a New York accent. Trump is given to lies, ofc, and has a special fondness for the kind of lie known as the hyperbole: “The best.” “The worst.” “The greatest.” “Just terrible.” “Incredible.” “Big league.” “We’re gonna win so much, you’re gonna get tired of winning. And you’ll say, ‘Please, please. It’s too much winning. We can’t take it anymore. Mr. President, it’s too much.’” Because he knows almost no facts about anything, Trump falls back on extremely broad, vague, absolute approval or disapproval. This is just about all he has to say, actually, about anything.
“Bigly” was misheard. Same thing happens with Rock ‘n’ Roll lyrics. The Beatles wrote, “the girl with kaleidoscope eyes,” not “the girl with colitis goes by.”
Example: “Trump suffers from a distinct pathology–Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder–big league.”
Thank you so much, Diane, for sharing this. Here’s hoping that you and yours are safe and well and happy in this New Year. Something to be VERY happy about tonight: As upi doubtless know, it looks as though the two Dems are going to win their Senate races. Both races are neck and neck, with Democratic precincts still to come in. 538 is saying right now that there is a 95 percent chance that both Dems will win. This is extraordinarily important, for if we have deadlocked government for the next four years, that will create the conditions for what I’m calling The Trumpling Scenario–the coming of the smarter Trump Mini-Me who, unlike Stephen Miller’s Gollum, Donnie Sr., has actually read The Dummies’ Guide to Becoming an Autocratic Dictator for Life.
So many little wannabe Trumpling Presidents in the Senate and House right now. Tomorrow is their day. What’s the collective term for such as these? We have an exultation of larks. A murder of crows.
A self-serving of traitors?
Don’t worry, Donald. Space Force to the rescue! To infinity and beyond!
Or some wag suggested this: Call Elon! Escape to Mars-a-lago! Let them try to deliver subpoenas there!
Or this “Ode to Asset Orange,” to be sung to the tune of “Oh Danny Boy”:
O Donnie Boy,
your handler Putin’s calling,
“Time to come home,” he says.
“What’s done is done.
“Though now it hurts,
“and Biden’s win is galling.
“we’ll not forget
“your service, Orange One.
“Just come ye back
“to Moscow, Comrade Jabba.
“Broadcast from here
“on Trump TV Newsmax.
“Like you I’d never
“turn on former sycophants. (hee hee hee)
“O Donnie boy,
“come home to Sochi.
“Golf, relax.”
Unbelievable mastery of Trump’s disconnected thought and limited vocabulary. You make this into a Broadway show– a musical. This is also a wonderful wake up for Jan 6. Thank you Bob and Diane.
I just saw the MAD KING flying down the southern state of Georgia today
An insane clown tried to DON his MAGA hat but his head was too swollen to take it off
And then two donkeys came up and greeted him with a mule kick!
Sounds like sweet tune music on the chin! (music playing, “I’m donny the sexy boy”)
The moment the clown fell flat on the ground
With his MAGA hat blown off from his swollen head
I thought it to myself
That’s unparDONably CONdescending
lol. Happy New Year, Ken!
Trump protestors just broke into the Capitol Building.
Cruz, Hawley, Loeffler, et al.–traitors