Now that Trump cannot hold mass pep rallies for his base, he is holding daily press briefings to share his opinions about the coronavirus. He frequently contradicts the government experts because he knows more than they do.

Robert Shepard, polymath extraordinaire, has written his own version of a Trump briefing:

Moronavirus trumpinski orangii Press Briefing and Campaign Rally, Sunday, March 23, 2020

TRUMP (snorts some Adderall and steps to the podium): OK, I wanted to start by saying some people are blaming this thing on Asian Americans. Where would they get that idea? Terrible, just terrible, OK? Don’t do that. Good people, Asians. The Asians love me. They love Donald Trump. We’re going to get through this Chinavirus. We’ll get through this.

This is going to be bad. Really bad. People are going to die. Am I right? Terrible. All those people. That’s why we need to lift the restrictions immediately and go back to work like normal. Can’t let the cure be worse than the disease. We need the economy working. People going to eat in Trump restaurants. Going to Karaoke at Trump private clubs. Staying in Trump hotels. Playing at golf Trump courses. People call me, they say, when you going to open those up again? Everybody agrees. You got people can’t even make reservations. Can’t even go on safari now to kill the last remaining animal of some species. Disgraceful. That’s why–the doctors agree with me–we should open everything up again now. Because this thing is going to spread. Spread like crazy. We open up, it goes away? OK? Chinavirus. I’ll make a decision about this early this coming week, after my new Adderall comes in.

Doctors will agree with me. Because I’m smart. A genius, really. Somebody said the death rate. The death rate from this thing. Is like, what was that? Like point zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent. Right Dr. Birx?

DR. BIRX: Well, it was about 3 percent in China, but we really don’t know.

TRUMP: See? Like I said. Point zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent. Obama ever get numbers like that? So, we lift these restrictions and get back to work. Because that’s what Americans do. They like to work under unsafe conditions for very low pay. And maybe die. So some people can get richer. I know, I’m a construction guy. Chinavirus. This is going to be bad. That’s why I’m making a decision. A decision next week. Open back up. Pick up a Sharpie, draw a circle around the country on a map. No Chinavirus! Two, three days, it’s gone. Magic! It’s like magic, am I right? I know. You’ll thank me.

So, we’re working hard, right now on a package. A stimulus package. No one ever liked Obama’s package. I have the best package. Get the economy humming again. Quickly. Very quickly. Best economy ever. You won’t believe it how quick. Let me tell you the great things. We’re doing great things. The best things, OK?

Steve Munchkin gets 500 billion to give away. It’s like free money, right? To Trump businesses, to members of the great Mar-a-lago resort. You know, to all those who desperately need it. Would you like to say a few words about that, Steve?

STEVE MUNCHKIN (in Lederhosen):

I represent the Oligarch Guild,
The Oligarch Guild, the Oligarch Guild,
And in the name of the Oligarch Guild,
I wish to welcome you to Grifterland.
All citizens are marks in Grifterland.

And the airlines and the cruise industry. They need billions and billions too. And the banks. Other corporations. Because they are sitting on only about a trillion dollars offshore right now. Hard. It’s hit them hard. So we’re going to send checks. Twelve dollars to every poor, hardworking, white, Christian American so they can pay their rent and utilities and feed their children and maybe buy a new car and go on a trip to the Trump International Hotel and Golf Club in Ireland. Because that’s the kind of people we are. We put the American people first. America first, OK? Not like the Fake News Media and the Democrats. Lots of people are going to die. So, we need to open up immediately. Makes sense, right? I have a knack of this kind of thing. I really do. My uncle was like this super genius at MIT. Open back up. Have some Trump steaks. Play a little golf. Maybe go back to the hotel. And speaking of hotel rooms, everything’s going to be golden.