Andy Borowitz is a humorist. He writes a daily joke for The New Yorker. He usually ties it to the daily news. That means that this post is a satire.
Just a warning.
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was “horrified” by a New York Times article recounting callous behavior on the part of Amazon executives, company founder Jeff Bezos warned today that any employees found lacking in empathy would be instantly purged.
In an e-mail to all Amazon employees issued late Sunday evening, Bezos said that the company would begin grading its workers on empathy, and that the ten per cent found to be least empathic would be “immediately culled from the herd.”
To achieve this goal, Amazon said that it would introduce a new internal reporting system called EmpathyTrack, which will enable employees to secretly report on their colleagues’ lack of humanity.
The system will allow Amazon employees to grade their co-workers on a scale from a hundred (nicest) to zero (pure evil), resulting in empathy-based data that will be transmitted directly to Bezos.
Employees lacking in empathy will be immediately terminated.
Diane Ravitch's blog 
It’s always nice to have a hearty laugh in the morning. Better than bad news that leads to depression for the rest of the day.
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No, forget Bezos. Report the data directly to the customers and let them cut employees with the click of a button.
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Send in the drones to take out those empathy deprived employees.
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And in further news: Jeff Bezos was immediately culled from the herd when his directive came into effect. Bezos, temporarily stunned was quoted “I’ll get the bastard responsible for this!”
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He then took boxes and packing tape and went on a rampage packing his employees and shipping them off to all parts of the continental US. And then, claiming it was all a mass accident due to haste and zeal on the part of those those same employees, he feigned an attack of extreme empathy full of tears and convulsive heaving as he tried to locate all of the packages in various stages of their routes. Chris Cuomo interviews him during this time and cries himself on air. Cuomo and the NY State seal interrupt the program to give Chris a virtual slap through the screen. Jon Stewart is among the live audience and rethinks giving up his show, yet quickly confirms his decision in his mind with even greater resolve.
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Great, Chris Cuomo just saved a man from drowning, literally. Reality puts a damper on humor. He’s a hero.
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After all, we do need “worker accountability.”
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It’s hard to pull off satire these days. This is funny now, but how long do you think it might take before Amazon or some similar corporate beast actually implements something similar? After all, there’s already reams of paper (and tons of bandwidth) devoted to the phenomenon of “emotional labor” – that we are now not only required to do a certain job, but to do it with just the right perky, happy, enthusiastic attitude/friendliness/flair/etc.
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You’re right. Just give this a close read or imagine between the lines.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/georgeanders/2015/07/29/liberal-arts-degree-tech/
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“that we are now not only required to do a certain job, but to do it with just the right perky, happy, enthusiastic attitude/friendliness/flair/etc.”
That “perkiness” as practiced by the adminimals in the two districts I taught in was disgusting. It’s like they thought we were 2nd graders and every stupid little policy or practice they were implementing needed to be done in a hyped fashion. I used to sit there shaking my head in disgust.
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To quote a certain not named republican. celebrity, zillionaire, currently monopolizing the media, “Your fired!” You were not empathetic enough.
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Oh, I was empathetic enough with/for the students to have to put up with the rah rah sis boom bang nonsense. I just wasn’t emphatic enough in my head shaking denouncement of those insane practices (although I did get written up for “throwing a rah rah t-shirt (that I refused to wear) across the table at the principal when she asked for our thoughts on how the testing went. And I didn’t throw it, I gently placed it on the table in front of me and told them to give it to a student who might need a t-shirt but you know how those adminimals perceive things.
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You could have worn it inside out and…backward:0)
Clearly your principal lacked empathy.
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Damn, wish I would have thought of wearing it inside out!
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Bezos, stung by criticism of Amazon’s new program for enforcing empathy among management-level employees, announced a quick change of policy.
Instead of relying on employees to denounce each other for lack of empathy, Amazon will hire a team of psychologists to develop and administer standardized multiple-choice tests of empathy.
Management level employees will be required to take the test and will be fired if they score in the lowest quintile. “No excuses,” said Bezos.
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This article is in the best tradition of “The Onion.” A worthy collection to any of us who want to puncture the corporatization of schools and the rubrics of humanity.
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I believe there is a standardized test of this kind. Forgot it’s name but took it for a doctor who was aiding in private adoption. Minnesota somthing or other?
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Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minnesota_Multiphasic_Personality_Inventory
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“The article doesn’t describe the Amazon I know or the caring Amazonians I work with every day,” Bezos writes. “But if you know of any stories like those reported, I want you to escalate to HR. You can also email me directly at jeff@amazon.com. Even if it’s rare or isolated, our tolerance for any such lack of empathy needs to be zero.”
From Geek Wire
Basically: employees lacking in empathy will be immediately terminated.
Life imitates satire.
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At least, I think it’s life imitating satire. Not sure which came first.
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