Bob Shepherd—teacher, assessment developer, textbook author, now teacher again—shares his resolutions for 2018:

op Ten New Year’s Resolutions, 2018 |Bob Shepherd, Lifestyle Reporter, LALA Times

I think I’m just going to capitalize on all the goodwill I’ve built over the past year.
–Harvey Weinstein

This is the year when I’ll finally get up the courage to ask that cute intern in Accounting whether she likes anime.
–Vernon Plum, mail clerk, Mashpee, Massachusetts

Yes, I thought about acting in the coming year a little less like a Republican.
I have a two-word response to that: campaign contributions.
–The bloated, avaricious, meretricious, ruined shadow of what was once the Democratic Party

I think it’s important to set realistic goals. So over the coming year I’ve determined to get down to the weight I was yesterday.
–Bert Bjorn, Stay-at-Home Dad, Akron, Ohio

OK. We OWN the retail market now. But you can’t rest on your laurels, or whatever that expression is. So this year we’re going to expand into delivering, directly to people’s door, deeper friendships, personal integrity, satisfying sexual relationships, respect and admiration from colleagues, and mindful presentness to the simple, nonmaterial joys of everyday life.
–Jeff Bezos, CEO, Amazon

Pick up around the flat more. Do laundry weekly. Encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race.
–James Joyce, Irish writer, Paris, France

I’ve decided to focus inward during the coming year, on my spiritual growth—to take a more disciplined approach to my fasting, meditation, and yoga. Of course, it’s important that I not fall into the trap of being prideful about my own success in these undertakings, and I’m not going to cut off all worldly interaction. I would never, for example, give up the essential work I do counseling teens struggling with their gender identities. That work is just too important, as you know. Lives depend on it.
–Donald J. Trump

Sleep through Algebra class. Write “Dwayne is a Homo” in magic marker on the stall in the toilet in the boy’s locker room. Make comments about boobs during bellwork in that fuckwad Mr. Shepherd’s class.
–Steve Munchkin, high-school student, Riverview Academy

Make improvements to the electromagnetic fields that render photographs of our Earth-monitoring spaceships look like pictures of blurry pieplates.
–Zarg, commander of Earth Reconnaissance Fleet 1, Zeta Reticuli

Replace the nation’s teachers with soulless worksheets on a screen, more online standardized testing, and stack-ranking computer databases to relegate nonperformers to permanent positions at the bottom of the social hierarchy.
–Bill Gates

Robert D. Shepherd
Writing | Editing | Graphic Design

“E questo dubbio e impossibile a solvere