Imagine Betsy DeVos giving the morning announcements. It might sound like this:

It starts like this:

Good morning, students of the Goldman Sachs Holy Trinity Lehman LearningFirst Inc. Elementary School! I am thrilled to be delivering your morning announcements today, which I am currently delivering outside using a megaphone because protesters have blocked me from entering your building.

Before we begin the announcements, I want to reassure all staff still worried about my appointment that I am extremely knowledgeable about schools and the people who walk around inside of them and do things in them. Take, as evidence, my recent tweet about pencils. Pencils are very school-y! They were the first thing that came to mind when I thought about school recently. (They still do pencils in school, right? Are they still doing pencils in school?…)

The Trump Administration has a lot of exciting ideas for education in this country: HeadStart for Fetuses, extending the school week into Sunday, canceling summer, replacing school libraries with Ivanka Trump apparel boutiques… it’s high time for parents — not the government — to decide what’s best for children, and I, as an outsider, can make that happen as only an outsider could. I am in fact still outside, right now.

Now, your morning announcements! Special events going on this week: There will be a silent auction after school on Friday organized by the PTA. Proceeds from the auction will go towards repairs for the wheelchair ramp by the main cafeteria entrance.

Hoo boy, wheelchairs. You know, I once encountered a disabled woman when I parked in the only handicapped space outside of the Grand Rapids Country Club, and she drove away shaking her fist at me. I’m sure she faced many challenges in her life, such as me parking in her handicapped parking space because I knew I could pay the fine. Let me give you my sincerest guarantee that as Secretary of Education, I will only very rarely park in the handicapped parking spaces of elementary schoolchildren who have disabilities. (They drive, right? When do they start driving?…)

Read on.