As we wait impatiently to learn what the reauthorization of the Elementary and Secondary Act will mean for classrooms across the nation, as we hold our breath while elected officials decide how public schools should function (as if they knew how), the New York Times has a wonderful parody of legislation to guarantee that our elected officials are smart enough to do their jobs.
It is called The Smartness Act of 2015, and it consists of tests for elected officials. If we were serious, we would require all state and federal officials to take the eighth grade mathematics test (PARCC or SBAC) and publish their scores.
The parody starts like this:
PUBLIC LAW 114–69 114th CONGRESS
An Act
To ensure that elected and appointed officials of State and Municipal governments are sufficiently prepared (i.e., “get it”) to enforce the Basic Skills provision of the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, the United States Federal government has enacted the Common Core Standards Reform Act for Government Officials.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled,
SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.
This Act may be cited as “The Smartness Act of 2015.”
SEC. 2. PURPOSE.
The purpose of this Act is to improve the implementation (i.e., “doing it”) of Basic Skills by establishing minimum academic standards for State and Municipal government officials that must be achieved within sixty (60) days of their taking office. It is believed that core knowledge provides a foundation for being “smart” and that smartness is in the best interests of the United States of America, now more than ever what with computers and all.
SEC. 3. RESPONSIBILITIES OF GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS.
(a) Common Core Standard 1 English Language Arts (ELA)
(1) Read one (1) book in its entirety.
(A) Pop-up books, picture books, other nice books with cardboard pages, joke books, motor vehicle manuals, foldout maps and really thick magazines will not be considered in compliance with CCS1 except in the following States that have been granted waivers: Illinois, Ohio, Michigan, Texas, Georgia, South Carolina, Wyoming and any other State with legalized casino gambling.
(B) Cliff’s Notes, Spark Notes or other study guides will not be permitted as substitutes for reading a book except for “Beowulf,” “Middlemarch,” “Ulysses,” “The Godfather” and anything by Gabriel García Márquez. In the case of “The Godfather,” viewing the filmed versions (“The Godfather” Part 1 and Part II, but not Part III, so disappointing) will satisfy the requirement in the following States that have been granted waivers: New York, New Jersey, Florida, California and Nevada. Alternatively, line recitations as spoken by the films’ main characters (e.g., “Don’t ask me about my business, Kay”) will also satisfy the requirement in those States.
(C) The approved book must be written in English except for any book written in Latin. If you can understand Latin, go for it, Sophocles. Books whose original language is French and were translated into English will be prohibited except for “The Charterhouse of Parma,” which many government officials liked for some bizarre reason a while back, but no other French book like “Madame Bovary,” “In Search of Lost Time,” “The Stranger” or those paperbacks that look rained on and never move from the outdoor tables in Montmartre. It’s all so pretentious. Speaking of pretentious, any book by Gertrude Stein will not be in compliance with CCS1 even though, technically, she was an American and wrote in a language that sounds like it could be English. Can anyone explain “Tender Buttons”? “Stick stick call then, stick stick sticking, sticking with a chicken. Sticking in a extra succession, sticking in.” Really?
Diane Ravitch's blog 
This test is far to intelligent for members of Congress. As for Arne Duncan, forget it, because his toes and fingers are not his and no one knows where he found them.
Perhaps like π, Duncan is an irrational number.
Or Duncan is the chaos theory.
TAGO! Thanks for the laugh, Lloyd!
OOPS! Section 3 (C): Sophocles was a Greek, not a Roman. Try Cicero or Tacitus or Virgil.
The Act is a clever idea though.
Ah, but it ONLY applies to state and municipal officials, not federal:
“The purpose of this Act is to improve the implementation (i.e., “doing it”) of Basic Skills by establishing minimum academic standards for State and Municipal government officials that must be achieved within sixty (60) days of their taking office. It is believed that core knowledge provides a foundation for being “smart” and that smartness is in the best interests of the United States of America, now more than ever what with computers and all.”
It’s so they can better enforce the federal law 🙂
“To ensure that elected and appointed officials of State and Municipal governments are sufficiently prepared (i.e., “get it”) to enforce the Basic Skills provision of the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, the United States Federal government has enacted the Common Core Standards Reform Act for Government Officials.”
You are right: the Smartness Act of 2015 should apply to federal officials. Wonder how many would pass any test offered? 3rd grade? 4th grade? 5th grade? I am not taking bets.
So depressing looking at the national political candidates’ agendas on “public education”
The only time public schools are mentioned is when they’re demanding testing:
https://www.the74million.org/article/exclusive-videos-13-things-we-learned-about-how-six-top-gop-candidates-would-shape-k-12-education?utm_content=buffer6e411&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer
Testing and “choice”- both political Parties- there is not even a hint of a positive agenda for existing public schools. Other than as data collection centers, public schools may as well not exist.
Let’s see.
NCLB has been around for 14 years and NY Times is just now getting around to writing a “parody” after it has become blatantly obvious even to the monkeys at the Bronx zoo that NCLB was an unmitigated disaster?
Color me unimpressed.
“Stating the Obvious”
The NY Times has spoken
The obvious is true:
The NY Times is broken
And quite dishonest too
Congress is facing an urgent and real “smartness test” this week. Please write about the current version of the ESEA renewal, Diane.
The Right Flank of #StopESEA is smaller than the left and center, and it’s already mobilized. It can help us stop this railroaded legislation by reaching Republican votes, but we can’t let its voice define the opposition.
Blue states, phone your congressional representatives today.
Call 202-224-3121 every day this week and say:
* It is bad governance to ram bills through without debate.
* We want you to lead the move to put a 60 day delay on the vote.
* Place a moratorium on NCLB testing mandates until a clean bill is voted in.
* Use this time to consult with your constituents, and hold hearings to investigate whether special interests have influenced the legislation improperly.
We are defending the birthright, still denied, of a free and equal public education for every child, in a just and democratically controlled public education system. We’re defending our right to teach in public schools dedicated to democratic values of learning and joy and kindness, clarity and strength, courage and community and uncompromising racial justice
“SomeDAM Poet
November 30, 2015 at 9:17 am
Let’s see.
NCLB has been around for 14 years and NY Times is just now getting around to writing a “parody” after it has become blatantly obvious even to the monkeys at the Bronx zoo that NCLB was an unmitigated disaster?”
I listened to part of the Senate debate on the new law and I thought it was terrible. A lot of posturing and strutting outrage on “accountability!” and scolding public schools for various infractions and shortcomings, not a lot of help. They seem to believe they can lecture us into “excellence!”
They lost me. I don’t care what they do in DC. Most of them don’t send their kids to public schools anyway and they certainly don’t send their kids to public schools in ordinary middle/working class neighborhoods or areas of the country.
I have no problem requiring this of our elected officials. Although you may get some civil rights complaints for a myriad of reasons.
Virginia, do you think it would violate the civil rights of elected officials to require that they are smarter than a 5th grader?
Diane, I have no problem requiring this. But when certain elected officials score lower than other elected officials and patterns emerge, are you going to then claim it was due to household income of the elected officials? Just saying….
Virginia, maybe the tests should be required of all public officials who vote for more tests for kids. Let’s see if they can pass the tests they mandate for others. Then let the chips fall where they may.