The Onion is the best journal in the nation on the subject of education. With tongue in cheek, they see through the fraud of corporate reform.

In this article, the Onion reports that the Illinois State Department of Education set a new goal for teachers:

“In an effort to hold classroom instructors more accountable, the Illinois State Board of Education unveiled new statewide education standards Friday that require public school teachers to forever change the lives of at least 30 percent of their students. “Under our updated educator evaluation policy, teachers must make an unforgettable, lifelong impact on at least three of every 10 students and instill a love of learning in them that lasts the rest of their lives,” said chairman James Meeks, adding that based on the annual assessments, if 30 percent of students don’t recall a particular teacher’s name when asked to identify the most influential and inspiring person in their lives, that instructor would be promptly dismissed.”

Even better, teachers will be held accountable if more than 40% end up in prison.

Guess the Onion has been reading Raj Chetty.