Mississippi teacher-blogger James Comans has indulged in Swiftian satire in this post about “reform.” He informed me that he was inspired by the post “Is It Really ‘All About the Kids.'”
Comans assumes the voice of a reformster. Why not require teachers to live in monasteries? Why pay them? If they are “called” to teach, they should volunteer. If they get minimum wage, they should be shamed into donating their meager salaries to worthy causes,like charter schools.
Will this make teachers better? Who knows? It will surely cut costs. What else matters? That’s how you put Children First and show that Students Matter.
Diane Ravitch's blog 
I’m afraid Swift’s capacity for satire would be outrun by the realities of our times.
“Divorced from Reality”
I never married reality
So cannot be divorced
Reality is not for me
And sure can’t be enforced
Jon. Agree. I am working to see how many data-points Ohio demands for one “complete” teacher evaluation from one evaluator (not necessarily the principal) and the “input” from one teacher. I think the exercise may evolve into the Chapman Index of something or other connected with a pathological condition.
TAGO
There was a similar parody back in 2008:
http://aplacetorespond.blogspot.com/2008/08/ed-reformers-urge-vow-of-celibacy-for.html
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“Monday, September 1, 2008
“Ed Reformers Urge Vow of Celibacy for New Army of Teachers
“(spoof)
“A group of prominent education reformers, headed by former Secretary of Education Rod Paige, is urging the institution of what is sure to prove one of the most highly controversial initiatives in education reform history. To ensure that all children are well educated and equipped to succeed in the global economy, new teachers would be required to renounce marriage in order to devote themselves more fully to the task of preparing each and every child to excel in standardized test-taking.
“Paige said the inspiration for the ‘Alliance for Teacher Abstinence’ is based on the grueling KIPP model of schooling. The Knowledge is Power Program is the most well-respected charter school network in the country. Its college preparatory schools serve predominantly low-income black and Hispanic students. KIPP students endure 9-hour school days, attend school two Saturdays per month, mandatory summer school, and hours of nightly homework. Their teachers are on call 24 hours-per-day to answer student/parent questions. KIPP schools receive glowing accolades and millions in funding from the corporate world.
“According to Paige, credited with the Texas Miracle when superintendent of schools in Houston:
” ‘ Without imposing celibacy, we realize that the success of KIPP schools is not widely replicable to all public schools across the nation. Celibacy will free teachers from concerns which might distract them from the rigor, strength of character, and discipline necessary to closing all achievement gaps. Most KIPP teachers are single, unfettered by the demands of marriage, and able to be on call 24 hours-per-day. On the other hand, very reliable data prove that the majority of public schools teachers are married. Some put the figure as high as 77%.’
“Reformer and civil rights activist Amy Wilkins added:
” ‘ We simply CANNOT ignore the consequences that result when teachers are distracted from their mission to raise test scores by the demands of marriage and parenthood. We know it sounds radical, but we favor federal monitoring and annual standardized celibacy testing to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that teachers have remained unmarried. We would also offer incremental merit pay based on the number of years a teacher remains celibate.’
“The organization boasts the membership of another former Secretary of Education, Bill Bennett, often dubbed the Great Moralizer. Bennett is authoring the Institutio Generalis Missalis Educo, a handbook of morning and evening meditations and rituals to assist teachers in remaining celibate and true to a single-minded focus on raising children’s test scores.
“In what appeared to be a paraphrase of the Apostle Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians, Bennett said it is good that teachers should be free from all concerns which might distract them from the mission which has been assigned to them.”
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An “Anonymous” pro-KIPP commenter, though fully cognizant that this was a “spoof”, was not amused, and apparently not sharp enough to grasp the satire, or comprehend what was underpinning it.
Check out this back-and-forth:
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Anonymous said…
“Wow. How far-out can you be?
“Asking parents, kids, and teachers to commit a lot to education is something to make fun of?
“The joke is on you.”
September 1, 2008 at 1:37 PM
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tauna said…
“You don’t seem to get it. I am very much for committing a lot to education. but I believe that an obsession with standardized testing is the antithesis of quality teaching and learning.”
September 1, 2008 at 3:08 PM
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Anonymous said…
“Whatever your objections to standardized testing, what have KIPP schools, Amy Wilkins, and Rod Paige got to do with it? Are you saying that KIPP schools are the antithesis of good teaching and learning? Have you ever been in a KIPP school?
“And what’s the ‘vow of celibacy’ bit all about? What’s that got to do with standardized testing?”
File this under TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION / SATIRE…
I followed the hyperlink on Comans’ spoof and discovered the all-too-real antics of one “Senator Shadrack McGuill”, and what’s there is most certainly…
*** NOT A PARODY ***
http://thinkprogress.org/education/2012/02/01/416446/alabama-teacher-bible-teacher-pay/
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THINK PROGRESS:
According to Alabama state Sen. Shadrack McGill (R), the Bible says that increasing teacher salaries would only lead to less-qualified teachers. McGill said at a prayer breakfast that doubling teachers’ salaries — starting pay for Alabama teachers begins at $36,144 — would not help education.
In fact, he said that keeping teacher pay low is a “Biblical principle“:
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SENATOR SHADRACK McGILL: “If you double a teacher’s pay scale, you’ll attract people who aren’t called to teach.
“To go in and raise someone’s child for eight hours-a-day, or many people’s children for eight hours-a-day, requires a calling. It better be a calling in your life. I know I wouldn’t want to do it, OK?
“And these teachers that are called to teach; regardless of the pay scale, they would teach. It’s just in them to do. It’s the ability that God give ‘em. And there are also some teachers, it wouldn’t matter how much you would pay them, they would still perform to the same capacity.
“If you don’t keep that in balance, you’re going to attract people who are not called, who don’t need to be teaching our children. So, everything has a balance.”
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McGill found justification in the Bible for not increasing teacher pay, but he evidently found nothing in scripture preventing him from approving a 67 percent pay increase for legislators in 2007, which increased annual salaries for the part-time legislators from $30,710 to $49,500. He said that the higher pay helped to stop corruption.
A 2011 report showed that while Alabama teachers have the highest starting salaries in the nation, the state lags far behind the national average for teacher pay. Currently, a part-time legislator in Alabama is making more than a full-time teacher with a Master’s degree and 15 years of experience.
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Wow…
“And I know I wouldn’t want to do it, OK?” The good senator wouldn’t lower himself, apparently. (By the way, when he was right out of college, President Lyndon Johnson taught in a grade school full of Mexican immigrant children … lowering himself in the process, I guess.)
But what happened to the “invisible hand of the free market,”— a belief that a right-wing capitalist like Shadrack holds to like he does his beloved Bible? If so many of our best, qualified people feel as the senator does—and so few of them wish to work as teachers—shouldn’t that bring about an increase in salary… you know… to meet the demands of “the market?”
One more thing…
“Senator Shadrack McGill”? Seriously? That’s REALLY the guy’s name? It sounds like a character out of ‘FINIAN’S RAINBOW’, or a character Sid Caesar would portray in a skit on the old ‘YOUR SHOW OF SHOWS.”
Re-reading his quote above, I’m imagining Shadrack McGill’s voice sounding like the Foghorn Leghorn, the hick rooster from the old Warner Brothers’ cartoons:
I had been recently worrying about having sufficient money for my retirement. Thankfully, however, while researching other comments by Senator McGill—I discovered I won’t be needing any money for retirement after all:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/02/04/1061794/-Alabama-state-senator-says-rapture-likely-coming-before-retirement-needed
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DAILY KOX:
In the audio at the very end (Senator Shadrack McGill) says something even more weird. It’s hard to tell what the audience asked, but his answer can be clearly heard.
When an audience member asked about the retirement system, you ended your speech this way:
“Well you know what,” you said. “I think we’re going to be raptured out of here before it comes that time for you anyway.”
How convenient to believe that way. Forget about planning for retirement, the rapture may come.
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For those not acquainted, here’s wikipedia’s definition of “the rapture”:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rapture
“The rapture refers to the belief that either before, or simultaneously with, the Second Coming of Jesus Christ to earth, believers who have died will be raised and believers who are still alive and remain shall be caught up together with them (the resurrected dead believers) in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air.”
If you want a visual of what this hillbilly senator believes, check out this “rapture” scene from the film “THIS IS THE END”:
(go to 01:10 … to avoid the YouTube uploader’s commentary)
In lieu of retirement, I hope that I’ll be joining Senator McGill as we both fly up to sky to meet the Lord.
Here on the planet Earth, a different kind of “Hell broke loose” in the media in response to Senator McGill’s “don’t worry about retirement, cuz the rapture will take care of that” statement.
It forced McGill to clarify what he REALLY meant:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/02/04/1061794/-Alabama-state-senator-says-rapture-likely-coming-before-retirement-needed
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“(Later) McGill tried to defend his remarks, and that just made it worse. His views of religion and state stood out even more clearly though.
“McGill says that his remarks at the prayer breakfast made sense to those in attendance, but came out wrong when printed in the paper.
SENATOR SHADRACK McGILL: “The point that I was trying to make in the speech is simply that .. Things ought to be in balance. I believe God made everything to be in balance. He weighed the Earth and the valley and the mountains and the hills on a scale to keep them in balance because he knew he was going to be spinning it real fast, so that’s the jist of it.”
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What a relief to hear this explanation! Thank you for clarifying your earlier “rapture” comments, Senator McGill. You’ve made me feel so much better.
Kidding aside, someone else offered an alternate explanation for Senator McGill’s comments—why… he’s “just profoundly stupid”:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/02/02/1060862/-Open-thread-for-Night-Owls-AL-senator-argues-raising-teacher-pay-is-against-Biblical-principle
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“Conservatives (like Senator McGill) want everyone else to get paid less, have fewer rights, have fewer legal protections, and so on and so forth because those other people are:
“(1) immoral;
“(2) benefiting too much from the tax dollars of good conservatives;
“or
“(3) because suck it, that’s why.
“A lack of empathy explains a lot of it. A nearly sociopathic lack of empathy or concern for others would explain a great deal of it indeed, especially among many conservative leaders.
“As supposed ideology, however, I have no patience for it anymore. I used to at least respect the notion of conservatism as philosophy, and at least recognize some raw pragmatic value behind the premise, but this version of conservatism is overtly regressive, not conservative. It lacks any coherent point other than the self-centeredness of the practitioner.
“But then I hear people like Alabama State Sen. Shadrack McGill talking about how paying teachers a living wage would be violating a ‘Biblical principle,’ while paying legislators a living wage is a damn fine idea, and the far simpler explanation rears its head.
“Most of these people aren’t ideological about anything.
“They’re just profoundly stupid people.
“They’re not conservative; they’re just self-indulgent scolds or self-interested collectors of public power.
“They’re only ‘conservative’ because that’s the ideology that will best support stringing together random words to accomplish those goals.”
As I responded to comans response on the prior post:
Sorry, comans, nothing new in your proposals as they have been done for many, many years. I went through such K-12 schooling back in the 60s and early 70s. It’s called the Catholic schools. Fantasy meets reality or reality meets fantasy?
And it worked so well! Wasn’t that about the time the church had difficulty recruiting enough nuns to have a teaching staff?
Reblogged this on David R. Taylor-Thoughts on Texas Education.