Alexandra Petri is the brilliant satirist for The Washington Post. She wrote this column, titled: “The Greeks Are Gone from Troy, for Sure,” by Mike Pence.
“In recent days, the media has taken to sounding the alarm bells over a ‘second wave’ of coronavirus infections. Such panic is overblown. Thanks to the leadership of President Trump and the courage and compassion of the American people, our public health system is far stronger than it was four months ago, and we are winning the fight against the invisible enemy.”
— Vice President Pence in “There Isn’t a Coronavirus ‘Second Wave,’” Wall Street Journal
In recent days, Cassandra has taken to sounding the alarm bells over a “second wave” of Greek attack that will soon come sweeping over us like the wrath of Poseidon and leave our city in ruins. Such panic is overblown. (Although, technically, “panic” is fear induced by the god Pan, so really this is not even panic at all. But whatever it is, it is overblown.)
Thanks to the leadership of King Priam and the courage and compassion of the Trojan people, our walled city is far stronger and even less pregnable than it was nine years ago, and we have won the fight against the Greeks. And if you doubt that, just look at this enormous and beautifully constructed wooden horse they have left for us, which is definitely not hollow and will absolutely not be filled with handpicked soldiers ready to pour out and devastate our city.
The Laocoöns and Cassandras are full of negativity about this horse. At least, I think that was what Laocoön was saying before he was seized mid-sentence and crushed to death by sea serpents, along with his two sons! Probably a sign that what he was saying was not important. And when has Cassandra ever been right about anything?
The point is: The war has been a great success. And I can’t think of anyone better to have led us through it than King Priam. Yes, we have had losses, but ultimately we were victorious. That is what this horse means. We should seize it and be grateful.
Looking back, everything the king did was good. It was good, actually, that he put his sons in charge of everything, Hector, Paris — even Deiphobus. Hector was — how do I put this? — godlike. And so good at taming horses. We all miss him. And we even miss Paris, who actually turned out to be kind of helpful and, seemingly by random chance, managed to kill Achilles! I would think that shooting someone in the heel with an arrow would actually be a sign that you were just hitting body parts at random and not very good at what you were doing. But no, it was brilliant strategy! Which is what we have had throughout. And Deiphobus is here, too!
When King Priam asked me to chair our Get the Greeks to Leave and Destroy Their Champion Achilles Task Force nine years ago (Hector was busy), he directed us to pursue not only a Whole-of-the-House-of-Priam approach but a Whole-of-Troy approach. And now that the Greeks have left, spontaneously, I think, I can look back on that task force and see everything we did as a success. It must have been the partnerships I forged, or perhaps it was the weapons I forged. Maybe it was our alliance with the warlike Amazons, a match for men that put us over the top. (Jeff Bezos, the founder and chief executive of Amazon, owns The Washington Post.)
We’ve also made great progress on developing a device that will keep the Greeks out of here forever. Operation Wind-Swift-Footed Iris is aiming to have a technology that will shroud our city in something even better than Apollo’s protection — though what, really, could be better than that? I hope this wasn’t blasphemy.
I know we have asked the Trojan people to make sacrifices, like not leaving this walled city because there were Greeks outside, something that, amazingly, a few people were unwilling to do but most of you have been great about. But the time for sacrifices is over, except in the sense that we need to make a literal sacrifice to thank the gods for their protection.
Now is the time to bring in the horse and commemorate this achievement. We have defeated this visible enemy, which was also sometimes invisible because the gods are tricky.
Look, we can test the horse, if you like, but I think testing just makes it more likely you will find out information that makes you unhappy, and that is the last thing we need in our moment of triumph. But sure, have Helen walk around the horse calling out in the voices of the Greeks’ loved ones, just in case! Knock yourself out! I am sure the worst is over.
This is a time of celebration, and I think we can all sleep soundly in our beds. And I, for one, will sleep better once we get that horse inside. Congratulations, people of Troy.
If one were to mention the word Trojan to the Idiot, I doubt he would think of a horse.
Now, now, Greg. Do you really think that’s appropriate? You’re talking about the President of the United States here. They don’t make them that small.
Oh this is beautiful!
Thursday, btw, Florida had almost 9,000 confirmed new cases. It’s a record! How’s that for exceptionalism!!! Thanks, Trump Mini Me Governor DeSatan!!!
BTW, my daughter’s brother-in-law here in Flor-uh-duh just tested positive. He spent the day with his mother, who then spent the day with my daughter, her husband, and her children. Today we learned that the mother cannot get test results for at least seven days because the labs are backed up.
And a friend of a friend who is a nurse just sent me the info that healthcare people here are getting on available beds. The hospitals are almost all full or almost full, and we’re into the largest spike since this began, with each day setting a new record.
Way to go, Governor DeSantis! Way to go, King Don the Con!
Story from Business Insider:
“Now, as cases continue to surge [in Florida], the Department of Public Health has stopped tracking the number of coronavirus patients being treated in ICU beds at hospitals.
“The announcement came on Tuesday, after more Florida hospitals started to publicly report that all of their ICU beds were full, according to the Sun Sentinel. . . .
“[Former state data scientists Rebekah] Jones [who was fired by the state for refusing to under-report the number of cases] also said multiple Department of Health sources have told her they’ve been instructed this week to change coronavirus numbers by “deleting deaths and cases” so it looks like Florida is improving ahead of July 4.”
That should be illegal.
Luckily the info is available thro the press. E.g., I found a Sun-Sentinel article from yesterday w/ complete info. They’re getting it mainly from FIU’s Miami-Dade COVID-19 Trend Tracker, as well as addl data FIU compiled for Broward and Palm Beach counties at Sun-Sentinel’s request. Article says the public website for FL’s Agency for Healthcare Admin issues only overall hosp stats – no breakout for nor details on covid patients (!).
Some of those hospitals are at or near capacity already. They probably have emergency plans for when a chunk of the current spiking pos tests hit the ER’s in 10 days-2wks, regardless of bone-headed DeSantis’ misdirection. We had to do some of that nearby (in NJ) in late April – military-style camp beds under temp’y inflatable bldgs in pkg lots. But they got their hands on enough ventilators & PPE, & did a good job. Beaming positive intentions/ crossed fingers for your family, Bob.
VP MIKEY DENSE: Thank you, Mr. President. Your nation thanks you, and I thank you.
I just wanted to say that I am humbled and grateful that you have chosen me to lead the Donald Trump Coronavirus Cheerleading Squad and Glee Club during this great crisis that our nation may or may not be facing depending on how you feel on a given day. And I know, I know, Mr. President, that the nation is reassured that your firm (and very large) hand is guiding us through this.
As we’ve seen today, you have assembled the greatest minds in the country to deal with this problem that the Fake News keeps talking about, though these are only scientists, and your intuition is so much better than science, as you have wisely reminded us many times, Mr. President. And not to take away from anything others have said here today, I just wanted to say, Mr. President, that some have, though I’m sure they didn’t intend to, wasted valuable time talking about this disease that may or may not be an issue and hinting at some response that we might or might not take in the future if that’s appropriate when WHAT THE NATION REALLY WANTS TO HEAR IS HOW GREAT DONALD TRUMP IS AND WHAT A FANTASTIC JOB YOU’VE BEEN DOING.
So, let me just say that. As I was telling Mother last night just before our night-night prayers, it really has been the privilege of a lifetime to work under you, Mr. President, and to see your sharp mind in action, pointing out that by this week the number of cases would be down to five and that this was all just a Democrat hoax. Your steady and very large hand enabled us to put off having to do anything until this spread or may not have spread throughout the entire nation, which could be a challenge, of course, but isn’t that the point, Mr. President, that America has always been up to its challenges? With faith in God, and your guidance, Mr. President, how can we fail? And though we might have a little rough patch, all these business leaders behind me here, brought together by your wisdom, Mr. President, are going to do their very best to rise to the occasion, under your leadership, and to make as much money as they possibly can off this while delivering whatever is necessary to serve the interests of the richest Americans. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, Mr. President, and you are the toughest and the strongest and the prettiest and the smartest and the bestest, as I’m sure all real Patriots across this nation will agree.
And so, soon, because of your remarkable leadership, unparalleled in the history of this country, nay of the world, nay of the galaxy, nay of the universe, we will have the four or five tests we need to have for every one million Americans who have contracted what is, after all, just a cold or a flu or whatever you say it is today, Mr. President, and we don’t need to worry about having enough paraprofessional medical personnel or hospital beds or contact tracing or ventilators or hazmat suits or face masks or tests or about setting up field hospitals or about sick leave or paying for tests and treatment for a bunch of lowlife poor people who wouldn’t recognize real leadership, like you provide each and every day, Mr. President, if they saw it.
So, that said, let me conclude by addressing what I’m sure is most on the mind of Americans throughout this land, on this fateful day, just HOW GREAT YOU ARE for getting way ahead of this thing early on by sending troops and other personnel without hazmat suits to escort people off that cruise ship, ones who could then go back to their bases and communities around the country and spread the virus, uh, the news about how expertly you contained this and nipped it in the bud as only you, in your genius, Mr. President, could have done. So, if I could lick your shoes clean, later on, Mr. President, that would be, as always, my great honor. Thank you, Mr. President. Did I do OK? Please tell that I did, Mr. President. Please. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President.
Love it, Bob – spot-on as usual.
Courtesy of TCM channel, hubby & I have taken to watching a lot of old movies/ shorts/ newsreels in covid-era. (Even ’30’s cowboys&Indians – so familiar – guess they re-ran a lot of those, Sat a.m.’s in the ’50’s.) It’s like meatloaf& mashed potatoes& rice or tapioca pudding: comfort-food.
We’ve noticed a striking similarity between mid-’40’s-early ’50’s ‘human-interest’ spots, & DJT’s ad-lib speech phraseology. It’s unmistakable, really. Every showcased personality [usually a Hollywood celebrity or baseball star] is boosted via wartime exploits or simply service, or at-home war-support do-gooderism, connecting directly to American superiority, w/ words like “the best ever,” “the most this-a & that-a” in the country/ world/ universe. The message is American exceptionalism, we’ll beat those bastards or we are winning or we won & we are the greatest. Delivered in a folksy we-know-who-we-are tone.
Am thinking DJT must have been raised on this pap. And/ or realizes his his antique [75-80+ y.o.] Trumpista core was (& maybe passed it on to their progenitors now in 60’s].
Bob, You are treasure. Monitor your health and stay as safe as you can. Same for your family.Good that you have this safe place to rant. I just listened to the truly fake press briefing from Pence and the “task force” that is supposed to be authoritative. Talk about farce.
Task farce.
Thanks, Laura
Petri’s post is like an advertisement for Berliner’s message about the value of a humanities ed. I wonder how many deaf ears it’s falling on?
Cuz, gotta say, in my ’60’s midsch/ hisch yrs, we were already getting almost none of this. And I attended what were then considered very good public schools. My primary instruction in Greek myths/ history was courtesy of a great-uncle, who gifted me “Men and Gods” (Rex Warner) when I was 10y.o. – amplified by my mother’s MetMusofArt collection [lotsa illustration of Greek myths in there] – & eventually (after college!) by Robert Graves’ ’70’s PBS series (& so I got the books). I don’t know WTH was going on w/ ’60’s curriculum, but we read plenty of novels/ plays that would have been elucidated by a basic grounding in Gr/Rom myth/ history! [& forget Plato, Socrates et al – not offered then & still haven’t filled in those gaps]… We did get enough ancient history to know about Trojan Horse, but do today’s kids get even that bare minimum??
I read the Greek and Roman myths to my children and grandchildren.
Wish I had done that too. [Tho I did read them Oz books & Stevenson pirate stories]. You’re inspiring me to send my kids some links – they’re thirty-ish, but still very open to meaningful narratives/ poetry.
On a different (but not very) note, I used to read my kids Bible stories from a beautifully-illustrated kid-friendly tome. We weren’t particularly religious, but facts are as Catholic kids they got more Boston Catechism than Bible history in CCD, & [as a Prot-raised convert from a mixed Prot-Cath family), I found the Mass readings from OT & NT dry & too brief…
People learn best through stories.
Bethree5,
Yes.
I was able to comprehend this because I have The Iliad in my long-term memory bank.
Petri was able to compose this because she probably has The Iliad in her long term memory bank.
Contrary to prevailing anti-knowledge beliefs, memorized knowledge is the root of reading comprehension skill and creativity.
Good analogy