Bob Shepherd writes, tongue in cheek:

New Years Resolutions, 2020: A Report from Trumplandia

Peace derives, of course, from within—from detachment of the kind I seek in my daily mindfulness meditation practice. But it’s not about me, never about me. For this reason I shall continue to engage in worldly affairs despite my instinctive, bookish reticence. Nothing’s really changed in my priorities for the new year: we need to meet the needs of the poor. To extend generosity and compassion to immigrants fleeing starvation and violence. To avoid petty infighting among political factions. To strengthen relations with our allies. To protect our environment from pollution and the ravages of climate change. To build more windmills. To correct racial and economic disparities. To make sure the rich pay their fair share. To stand against autocratic despotism around the globe. To protect the rights of our gay, lesbian, and transgender brothers and sisters from narrow-minded, fundamentalist extremism. To take a calm, informed, scholarly, heedful, respectful, and compassionate approach to such issues, which I try to model, of course, for the sake of our children.

–Donald Trump

I think I’ll continue to build on all the goodwill I’ve generated over the past couple years.

–Ghislaine Maxwell

Well, since countries with Medicare for All have HALF the per capita healthcare cost we do and BETTER health outcomes, I’ll continue to fight to make sure that it never becomes law here in America so that the racketeers who run our “healthcare” system can afford to send campaign contributions to me and Pete and to buy their hunting lodges with heliports in Montana while the teeth of older Americans rot out of their mouths and people who have paid into their employer-provided insurance all their lives have their polices cancelled or premiums increased to a zillion dollars a month when they get sick. It’s the American way.

–Status Quo Joe Biden

I’ll have the curly fries. No, the Super Jumbo Ragin’ Cajun Tater Tots.

–Marc Loofaman, Cedar Rapids

I’m committing, this year, to making sure that we do fresh, original, thought-provoking, and culturally important programming. For instance, I’ve got this great idea for a new movie about a group of teenagers who rent a cabin in the woods, only, you see, there is SOMETHING OUT THERE, and then they start disappearing, one by one.

–Reed Hastings, CEO, Netflix

Not sure yet. Awaiting instructions from my handler in Moscow.

–Mitch McConnell

Write “Mr. Shepherd is some kinda pinko libtard snowflake” on a stall wall in the downstairs boyz bathrum. Make fun of the anime drawings by that nerdy girl in English III. Spit down the four stairwells when the hall monitors aren’t looking.

–Kyle Moronis

Post lots and lots and lots of pictures of ME in yoga pants on Instagram and Tik Tok because I’m fabulous that way.

–Rep. Jim Jordan

Sending a fleet to seed the earth with intelligent life for the first time in its history.

–The Zorg, Alpha Draconis System

Send out my annual enormous contribution to the Network for Public Education because kids matter.

–Bill Gates

I don’t know. Flood’s out. Maybe a gamma-ray burst or a plague of Republicans.