Bob Shepherd writes, tongue in cheek:
New Years Resolutions, 2020: A Report from Trumplandia
Peace derives, of course, from within—from detachment of the kind I seek in my daily mindfulness meditation practice. But it’s not about me, never about me. For this reason I shall continue to engage in worldly affairs despite my instinctive, bookish reticence. Nothing’s really changed in my priorities for the new year: we need to meet the needs of the poor. To extend generosity and compassion to immigrants fleeing starvation and violence. To avoid petty infighting among political factions. To strengthen relations with our allies. To protect our environment from pollution and the ravages of climate change. To build more windmills. To correct racial and economic disparities. To make sure the rich pay their fair share. To stand against autocratic despotism around the globe. To protect the rights of our gay, lesbian, and transgender brothers and sisters from narrow-minded, fundamentalist extremism. To take a calm, informed, scholarly, heedful, respectful, and compassionate approach to such issues, which I try to model, of course, for the sake of our children.
–Donald Trump
I think I’ll continue to build on all the goodwill I’ve generated over the past couple years.
–Ghislaine Maxwell
Well, since countries with Medicare for All have HALF the per capita healthcare cost we do and BETTER health outcomes, I’ll continue to fight to make sure that it never becomes law here in America so that the racketeers who run our “healthcare” system can afford to send campaign contributions to me and Pete and to buy their hunting lodges with heliports in Montana while the teeth of older Americans rot out of their mouths and people who have paid into their employer-provided insurance all their lives have their polices cancelled or premiums increased to a zillion dollars a month when they get sick. It’s the American way.
–Status Quo Joe Biden
I’ll have the curly fries. No, the Super Jumbo Ragin’ Cajun Tater Tots.
–Marc Loofaman, Cedar Rapids
I’m committing, this year, to making sure that we do fresh, original, thought-provoking, and culturally important programming. For instance, I’ve got this great idea for a new movie about a group of teenagers who rent a cabin in the woods, only, you see, there is SOMETHING OUT THERE, and then they start disappearing, one by one.
–Reed Hastings, CEO, Netflix
Not sure yet. Awaiting instructions from my handler in Moscow.
–Mitch McConnell
Write “Mr. Shepherd is some kinda pinko libtard snowflake” on a stall wall in the downstairs boyz bathrum. Make fun of the anime drawings by that nerdy girl in English III. Spit down the four stairwells when the hall monitors aren’t looking.
–Kyle Moronis
Post lots and lots and lots of pictures of ME in yoga pants on Instagram and Tik Tok because I’m fabulous that way.
–Rep. Jim Jordan
Sending a fleet to seed the earth with intelligent life for the first time in its history.
–The Zorg, Alpha Draconis System
Send out my annual enormous contribution to the Network for Public Education because kids matter.
–Bill Gates
I don’t know. Flood’s out. Maybe a gamma-ray burst or a plague of Republicans.
–G*D
It’s about time we did something about gun violence in our state. So, we’re looking into the possibility of arming fetuses.
–The Florida State Legislature and Gun Club
Epstein? I might have met the guy once. No, that picture was faked.
–The United Rich and Powerful White Men of America (“All your base belong to us.”)
Cap off my career with a Marvel Cinematic Universe film.
–Martin Scorsese
Love your fantasy about Bill Gates’ distribution of money.
And for some addtional enlightment about edTech fiascos in the last decade, please take time to scan the list and see the pigeons at
this remakable website. If you have limited time, look at the following entries ( in a list of 100)
25, 30, 42, 47, 69, and 70. This is a remarkable and scarry look at the edtech invasion and profit seeking and from an exceptional no nonsense writer.
https://hackeducation.com/2019/12/31/what-a-shitshow
This list is AWESOME Laura!!!! It’s like the Ed Tech Cyberfollies version of Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds. Yet the oligarchs keep throwing good money after bad into Ed Tech. I join with you in hoping that everyone else will read through this list. It’s extraordinarily amusing (and frightening at the same time). Thank you so much for sharing this!!!! I just finished reading the whole of it, and I’ve bookmarked it for future reference.
I am extraordinarily impressed by the thoroughness of this piece, Laura!
The author–Audrey Watters. Wow.
Kids matter because they can be monetized, of course, by charter management organizations and purveyors of depersonalized education software and Orwellian databases. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go change the diaper of my newest granddaughter, or as we like to refer to her, our latest acquisition of human capital.
Don’t forget, Bob, your grand-daughter is now a global competitor!
She’s racing to the top of her crib as we speak!
Remember: Do not leave that child behind as she races to the top of her crib.
And don’t forget to give her a standardized test to prepare her for her first birthday.
Don’t worry. I will make certain that she is i-Ready!
She was initially resistant to replacing all her human interaction with screentime, but I think she’s overcoming this slight dysgenic weakness. A momentary glitch.
Remember, it is a Brave New World!
Very worried, here, that she might be out-competed by those kids in Shanghai. Looking for a rigorous, no-excuses pre-Preschool to work on her 21st-century college and career readiness, but all she wants to do is babble and play peek-a-boo.
She thinks that’s cute. Well, it IS cute. OK, it is VERY, VERY cute! Her name’s Allie.
Protect Allie’s childhood from the industries eager to exploit her innocence and vulnerability.
“I never flew on Jefferey Epstein’s plane and even if I had (which I didn’t) it would have only been for the free peanuts. But I didn’t fly on his plane, not to NY and certainly not to Palm Beach, regardless of what the flight log and pilot say.”
— Bill Gates
Hmmm. There’s a lot of this going around.
Funny, witty, ironic, a good piece of satire to consider for the new year! Thanks for your insights, Bob, as we head to 2020.
Happy New Year, retired teacher!
Bob Here’s one from a group of anthropologists from outer-space hiding in the bushes, watching us: Find out why every American has BUNCHES of plastic bags in the backseats of their cars. CBK
LOL. A great research project for an enterprising Zorgian Grad Student!
Doing its part to ensure that an uninhabitable Earth will be left to the state’s children and grandchildren, the Texas Supreme Court recently struck down the city of Laredo’s plastic bag ban, effectively killing such bans in other cities throughout the state.
I wish I were making that up.
I think Texas must have stuck it’s collective head in a plastic bag at some point because it seems to be suffering from brain hypoxia.
A very likely diagnosis, SomeDAM! Happy New Year to you and yours!
Happy New Year to you and yours, SomeDAM.
Happy New Year, CBK!
Bob And to you. . . . CBK
Those are not plastic bags. The American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) calls them Auxillary Containers. And ALEC has a model law to make sure nobody messes with plastic bags and other containers. You can compare the Texas law with ALEC’s model.
It is OK with ALEC if sealife is killed off from our collective indifference to what happens to plastic bags.
https://www.alec.org/model-policy/act-to-establish-statewide-uniformity-for-auxiliary-container-regulations/
Laura . . . channeling Orwell again. . . .When I read your note, I immediately thought of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone theme–do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do. CBK