A frequent commentator, Bob Shepherd, with many years in curriculum development, education publishing, and assessment, offers sage advice:

“The tests are infallible. They are objective measures. And we know that because they produce data. And not just any old data. Data with numbers and stuff. Very rigorously determined raw-to-scaled-score conversions and cut scores and proficiencies. Super-dooper, charterific, infallible data. Lots and lots of it. I mean lots. Tons. You wouldn’t believe the data!!! Data for days. Rivers of data. Big, big data.

“If the new tests show that 70 percent of students are failures, that’s because 70 percent of students are failures. And if the tests show that 70 percent of our students are failures, that’s because 70 percent of our teachers are failures too.

“You see? The data show that those shiftless, ungritful kids and teachers just can’t measure up to “higher standards” produced by folks with VAST experience as educators. Folks like David Coleman.

“And that’s why teachers need to be replaced with educational technology.

“And that’s why the public schools need to be closed down and replaced with private schools and charter schools.

“And that’s why the country needs to spend about 50 billion dollars making the transition to the Common Core and Big Data.

“Because the Common Core data show a 70 percent failure rate!!!

“Because numbers in a report, however they got there, are never wrong!

“Why are they never wrong? Because they are data!

“data data data data data

“You see?

“It couldn’t POSSIBLY BE that the tests are poorly conceived and written. It couldn’t possibly be that the standards are likewise poorly conceived and written. It couldn’t possibly be that what’s being called data-driven decision making is a variety of NUMEROLOGY.

“Because the masters who designed these tests and these standards are infallible. They are the best makers of tests and standards (well, if you use those terms very, very loosely) that a plutocrat’s money can buy, that is, if the plutocrat is in a hurry, and if he doesn’t really give the matter much thought. You know, if he does this in the way that ordinary, nonplutocratic folks might, say, order up a pizza.

“Glad I could straighten that out for you.

“Just remember: The DATA show that everybody failed and needs to be fired and that everything needs to be privatized.

“Oh, and lots and lots of new software and data systems need to be bought. I mean, billions of dollars worth. Billions and billions.

“You’re welcome.”