Before we go any further, let me remind you that “The Onion” is satire. But these days, satire seems to make more sense than the news, since we now know there are””alternate realities” and facts are a matter of opinion.

 

In this post, Kellyanne Conway apologizes for the lies she tells daily. She says she is just trying to save her father from a curse that was placed in him many years ago.

 

“Listen, I completely understand why everyone is furious with me. You don’t think that I know there are disgusting, reprehensible, dangerous things coming out of my mouth at all times? That my vile, indefensible words seek only to shelter the nation’s newly installed administration from the slightest shred of accountability? And that I’ve done it all with a self-righteous arrogance that suggests outright contempt for the truth and our nation’s founding principles? Of course I do. I have behaved in ways that defy not only logic and common sense, but also basic human decency. And, deservedly, I have been shamed and criticized and insulted for these actions.

 

“But answer me truthfully: Who among you wouldn’t do the same exact thing if an evil 400-year-old witch had trapped your father’s eternal soul inside a cursed iron lantern, flickering faintly each time his agonized moans escaped the murky, otherworldly ether that is his prison?”